


061. Winter - All to Well

by Arok88



Series: The 100 [14]
Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: Abandonment, Loneliness, Loss, M/M, Rebirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:47:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29626554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arok88/pseuds/Arok88
Summary: But now that he was here, curled up in front of the fireplace with nothing but a blanket and a mind full of memories, he saw it for what it really was.
Relationships: Nick Carter/Kevin Richardson
Series: The 100 [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2092305
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	061. Winter - All to Well

**Author's Note:**

> Songfic based on the song All to Well - Written by Taylor Swift by covered by Jake Scott

\--  
I walked through the door with you  
The air was cold  
But something 'bout it felt like home somehow, and I  
Left my scarf there at your sister's house  
And you've still got it  
In your drawer, even now  
\--

He hated winter. Hated the cold, the snow and the ice. He much preferred the sand and surf. Warm sunny air beating down on his golden tan skin. He was an ocean baby. But most of all he hated the feelings, the memories that always seemed to invade every time the temperature started to drop and that familiar chill returned to the air. Sometimes the pain of it was so intense he didn't think he'd ever be able to take another breath. But somehow he always did. And even with that little bit of relief that he could in fact breath without him, never seemed to feel like much of an accomplishment as more and more memories always seemed to slip through his defenses, tormenting, reminding and reducing him to tears as he wished for the silence and darkness to overtake him so he never had to see or feel any of this ever again. Nothing ever seemed to be enough to quiet the demons, the memories. He didn't know why he thought this time would be any different. 

Renting this cabin and isolating himself up in the mountains had seemed like such a good idea when he'd made the plans and reservations. But now that he was here, curled up in front of the fireplace with nothing but a blanket and a mind full of memories, he saw it for what it really was.

A desperate attempt to move on from something that had held him captive for the last several months. He had struggled with this for so long because in all honesty, he didn't want to move on. Nick wanted to pretend, to pray that if he just hung on long enough that he would change his mind. Maybe he would come to his senses and realize that Nick was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Maybe he would eventually realize they were meant to be together and he would come back. 

So Nick had spent the better part of the last year trying to keep up the pretense that he was fine in public, but in the comfort of his own four walls he would fall apart. He missed him so much that there were days he couldn't even begin to bring himself to get out of bed. It was pathetic and desperate and Nick just couldn't go on like this any more. 

This would all end here. When his vacation was over and it was time to pack up and go back home, he would put the longing and this relationship to rest. It was over, it had been over. It was just time for Nick to come to that conclusion as well and find a way to put the memories away and to start living his life again. A life that didn't include Kevin and Nick wasn’t even sure that was worth it anymore. He could do it, he wasn't sure how, but he was determined to find a way. One thing was certain, he wasn't going home feeling the same way he had arrived. 

\--

The crackling of the wood lulled him out of the soft slumber he had fallen into. He was curled up on his stomach in front of the fireplace, desperately clutching a pillow and wishing it would somehow lessen the pain. The feeling of loneliness was deep and resonated with him acutely. He stretched on the carpeted floor, welcoming the soft burn of his flesh against the coarse hairs of the almost threadbare carpeting. The cabin was old and not particularly nice, but he had wanted something small and remote. Somewhere where he could be completely alone without any worry that someone would stumble across him and ruin this. He wanted it to be nothing like the cabin before. The cabin they had all stayed in when it had all started. 

If Nick was being completely honest with himself, it probably had started way before that cabin. Maybe without him really being able to put words to the way he had felt or to connect the dots, but he suspected the groundwork had been laid long before. Quiet lonely nights on tour busses in Germany, too many nights spent curled up in his bed due to nightmares. All of these little seemingly innocent events all helped to fuse the strands of his feelings together until they were so strong that he couldn’t deny them anymore. 

It had been Kevin’s brother’s cabin. He and his wife had purchased it relatively cheap and had done a lot of repairs to fix it up. They didn’t get the chance to use it much so when they had started looking for a place to vacation, Kevin had suggested it. There was plenty of room for the five of them and in all the places they’d been they had never been to the mountains, the true mountains with skiing and snowboarding. It was going to be a blast. To a nineteen year old kid, a week alone with his friends in a cabin in the woods sounded like a dream. He had no idea how much that trip would come to mean to him later. 

They had to drive more than an hour from the airport and the time they had arrived they were all driving each other nuts. As the car doors slammed and they spilled out of the small van and into the driveway Nick had been amazed by how cold it was the higher up in the mountains they were. He could see his breath every time he took in air. It came out in little spurts and he did a couple of breathing exercises. Inhaling deep and exhaling in short gasps to see how the air fogged in front of him. He had been mesmerized by it and hadn’t paid much attention to the others. Growing up in Florida didn’t lend much experience with this kind of thing and Nick was so intrigued he hadn’t realized everyone else had already grabbed their stuff and headed inside. He woke from his daze as he felt a solid gloved hand clamp down on his shoulder. Spinning around, he was surprised to find Kevin standing beside him. He blinked a couple of times and glanced back over at the van to see it completely deserted. 

“You okay Nicky?” the older man asked softly, his face showed signs of concern. 

Nick had just stood there in the driveway, cheeks in a chilly heat from the wind and the cold, as he gazed up at the other man. He was getting taller all the time and they were almost the same height now. No longer was he the little runt to be picked on and teased, he was almost twenty, becoming a man. He smiled softly at Kevin and nodded. 

“Just not used to the cold, or the snow.” he said gesturing to the snow covered mountains in the distance. They looked more majestic from here than they did from the van as they had driven closer up into the mountainside. 

Kevin nodded, knowing exactly what Nick was experiencing. Nature had a way of taking a person in and making them feel and experience things they’d never anticipated. He swung both of their duffle bags over his shoulder and grabbed Nick by the hand, dragging him to the entrance of the cabin. 

Nick’s high pitched laughter got caught up with the wind as they moved quickly to the door to get out of the cold. Nick’s scarf had come untucked and was flapping in the wind as they ran. By the time they had reached the doorway it was caught halfway around his face and Nick squealed with laughter as he tried unsuccessfully to untangle it. Kevin had dropped their bags in the entry of the cabin and turned to him, his own laughter ringing in Nick’s ears.

Kevin must have taken the time to remove his gloves, because the next thing Nick knew, he was feeling ice cold fingers brushing gently across his collarbone as Kevin worked the red wool material up and away from his neck. He had felt his breath catch the moment the ice cold digits had brushed his skin, but as they moved, almost like a slow caress across him, he felt the heat trail behind in the absence of his touch. Nick’s mouth went dry and he found it hard to take a deep breath, so he settled for short shallow ones that he could blame on the cold if necessary. As Kevin reached the end of the scarf and did his final untangle, revealing the pale flushed cheeks and golden hair he made a similar noise to Nick. That sound was imprinted in Nick’s mind, even now. It was a cross between a gasp and a moan and Nick wanted to hear more, so much more. 

Before Nick could even begin to understand the look Kevin was giving him, AJ had bounded down the stairs and launched himself on Nick’s back. The moment was gone, whatever had been on Kevin’s face had been replaced by his usual mask and Nick found himself cursing AJ and his impeccable timing. Brian had yelled from the top of the stairs and then they were moving, choosing rooms and unpacking their things. It wasn’t until much later when Nick had unpacked his clothes and Nintendo that he realized that Kevin had never returned his scarf. He didn’t know then that he never would. 

\--  
Oh, your sweet disposition  
And my wide-eyed gaze  
We're singing in the car getting lost upstate  
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place  
And I can picture it after all these days  
\--

The fire was growing dimmer, the bright orange and yellow flames were no longer licking the logs and Nick knew that if he wanted to keep the chill out he would need to go get more wood. Sighing heavily he stood and let the blanket fall from his broad shoulders and pool on the floor. He walked to the door and slipped on his boots before grabbing his jacket hanging on the hook. He gasped, startled as he stepped out on the porch and the frosty air bombarded his face and lungs. He never got used to the bruising cold. It took his breath away each time, even when he was prepared for it. He tucked his hands in his pockets and made his way to the back of the house where the woodpile was kept. He figured he would take as much as he could carry this time and then maybe he wouldn’t have to venture back out here. The cool air whistled past his ears and he closed his eyes, resigned to the cold. At least it was something other than pain he could feel. He wished he was numb, wished that alcohol or drugs could ease the pain he felt in his chest, his heart, but he’d tried all of that before and it only made the loneliness the next day that much worse. It was a pain he should be used to by now, but somehow it still managed to creep up on him when he least expected it. 

Reaching the wood pile, he loaded up as much as he could carry before hurrying back to the house. He kicked the door shut with his boot and quickly set to work feeding the fire and watching the flames lick and dance. He shed his boots and coat and melted back into the floor, pulling the blanket up over his shoulders as he settled his head into the pillow. He never took his eyes off the flames, but his mind was elsewhere. 

\--

He had been innocent, barely 18 and so naïve and oblivious to the world around him. Had it not been for Kevin and Howie’s influence and careful eye he probably would have been taken advantage of way before Kevin. But as it stood he’d been hidden away from the bad of the world, protected at all costs by his ‘brothers’. He had been so uncharacteristically shy. While his stage persona oozed sex and confidence, the real Nick as anything but. He was shy and awkward, scared of saying or doing the wrong thing and so completely unaware of how the world worked outside of the bubble of Backstreet. His wide-eyed innocence is what got him into trouble and he wished like hell he would have been smarter, more capable of understanding what was going on then, instead of the love-sick teenager who ended up with his heart broken in a million pieces when it was over. 

That week had been the best week of his life. At least that’s what he believed at the time. They spent so much time together, all of them. No work and all play. They laughed and told stories, bonded in ways they had never been able to before because of work and exhaustion. Nick found himself growing closer to all of them, but especially Kevin. Every time he looked at the older man he felt like he was going to barf. That was the best way he could describe the feeling his stomach took when Kevin’s eyes would fixate on him with a twinkle in his eye or a smile.

Nick felt his hands grow clammy and his stomach doing that rolling flip flop thing as Kevin asked him if he’d like to take a drive to see more of the area, just the two of them. The others were going to play board games in the cabin and Nick had been whining for hours about being cooped up inside and wanting to explore. He had been stunned when Kevin finally offered to take him out, without yelling or saying anything mean. They had grabbed their coats, said goodbye to the other three and set off for adventure. They headed north and listened to music and sang as they drove, taking in the beauty of the mountains. Nick was happier than he’d ever remembered being as they belted out song after song at the top of their lungs. Kevin kept the van as hot as he could and then cracked the windows so they could feel the ice cold breeze on their faces as they drove. Nick caught him smiling at him several times and the jumpy feeling returned to his stomach as he found himself staring back and smiling at the other man. 

They had turned off the main road to follow a service road and somehow they got turned around and ended up in the middle of a field without a clue where they were or how to get out. Instead of being mad like Nick had expected, Kevin had laughed and thrown up his hands. When he settled his hands back down he had placed his right hand on top of Nick’s left one that was sitting in the middle console. Nick had tried to keep his breathing even, not wanting to make the stomach feeling worse and he also didn’t want to alert Kevin of his sudden need to puke. Several short breaths later and Kevin’s hand was still there, balancing delicately against his own. It felt heavy and hot and Nick wanted to touch it more. He slowly flexed his fingers, just enough to cause them to separate and Kevin’s long fingers slipped into the cracks. Nick had bit his lip to keep the ridiculous smile off of his face and faced the window, knowing he couldn’t look at Kevin. Kevin made no move to take back his hand and one handedly turned the car around and got them back on the highway. Even after he’d crawled into bed that night, Nick could still feel the pressure and heat on his hand from where Kevin’s had been. 

Nick closed his eyes as the tears crept back up again. It was one of the first memories he had of them ‘together’ and nothing more had even happened that day, but it had been just enough to open that door. Nick still sometimes swore he could feel Kevin’s hand in his own. No other hand had ever fit his the way Kevin’s did. They both had big hands with long fingers and Nick never felt more secure and strong as he did when those fingers were wrapped up tightly with his own. He lost his battle with the tears and several slipped out of his closed eyes and trailed down his cheeks. He pressed his face down into the pillow and inhaled the scent of laundry soap and dust and tried hard to keep from crying out. The memories were getting to be too much to handle. 

\--  
And I know it's long gone and  
That magic's not here no more  
And I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all  
Oh, oh, oh  
\--

They were now almost officially over as long as they had been together. The year they were a couple was the best year of Nick’s life, followed closely by the most miserable year Nick had ever experienced in his young life. If all the other ones would feel exactly like this then he was quickly losing interest in experiencing them. Without Kevin, he was nothing. Sure he was still ⅕ of a successful boyband, but what did that give him? Money? Fame? Who cared. He was broken and nothing would ever be able to fix that, so what was the point anymore. He had spent the last year doing everything he could to get over him. He’d gone on blind dates, tried being his friend, tried blocking him completely out of his life, nothing helped. He was really good at pretending though. Of course it was easy to pretend when Kevin was the only one who knew anything. They had never told anyone else about their relationship. The other guys never even suspected, so when it ended, Nick had to continue on like nothing had happened. He painted a smile on his face every day and spent his nights crying himself to sleep in the hotel room of whatever city they were in. 

He had to continue to pal around with Brian and go out to clubs with AJ. He had to have his special talks with Howie and pretend like every time Kevin’s eyes landed on him or he spoke to him that he wasn’t dying inside. Truth was, Nick wasn’t okay and hadn’t been for a long time. But no one was any the wiser and only made the loneliness worse, the pain even more unbearable. 

\--  
'Cause there we are again on that little town street  
You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me  
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well  
\--

The second day in the cabin, AJ had woken up with a stomach ache. He spent most of his morning in and out of the bathroom which meant that they were all trying to avoid him as much as possible to keep whatever he had isolated to just his room. Brian sat outside his door and talked to him and even opened the door so they could both watch movies, AJ curled up with a puke bucket in the bed and Brian against the door jam on the floor. 

Nick had no desire to be locked inside the cabin with the sickly and had begged Howie to go skiing with him. AJ had found out and threw a fit that they would even dare go skiing without him so they made the reservations for the next day, leaving Nick without a way to occupy his time. He had grabbed his sketchbook and curled up on the couch getting lost in his thoughts. He hadn’t even realized how long he’d been drawing when he felt the couch dip and looked up to see Kevin sitting beside him. 

“Wanna get out of here?” he’d asked gently, his eyes full of something Nick couldn’t figure out. 

He had nodded enthusiastically and tossed his sketchbook on the coffee table. They bundled up and headed back to the van, Nick never even bothering to ask what they were doing or where they were going. All that mattered was Kevin wanted to do something with just him, for the second day in a row. It started out much the same, the heat and the music on high while they rolled down the windows to feel the wind. Kevin headed in the opposite direction this time, telling Nick there was a small town they’d past and they could go explore. Nick would have gone to the ends of the earth with Kevin if only he’d asked. 

Nick left his hand close to the console just like he’d done the day before and bit the inside of his cheek when he felt Kevin’s soft fingers brush first the inside of his wrist before they slipped in between his own. The feeling of Kevin taking his hand, actually reaching out with the intention to touch him, filled Nick with more butterflies than he could count. 

The town looked small from the distance and Nick wondered what kinds of shops they had and what they could do. He also wondered if Kevin would stop holding his hand when they got there. He tried to keep his fingers relaxed, trying not to let Kevin know how much this little gesture meant to him but he was having trouble not squeezing his fingers against the other man’s, just to see what it would feel like. They came closer to town and the wind got colder. Nick felt the laugh bubble up in him, feeling happier than he had in a long time. Nick felt Kevin’s eyes on him and turned to smile at him. He was mesmerized by the green shade that Kevin’s eyes hardly ever showed. Kevin gazed at him, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Nick had to look away before he said or did something. Glancing back at the road he startled and shouted. 

“Kevin the light’s red!”

Nick felt the jerk in his hand as Kevin’s body responded to his words and quickly slammed on the break to keep from running the red light. Nick’s heart was beating in his chest and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the near miss with the light or the look in Kevin’s eyes as he looked at him so completely. 

-

Nick bit his lip almost painfully as the memory of that day invaded his mind. No matter what happened between them, he would never be able to get that look out of his mind.

He had still been thinking about it hours later as they walked through the streets checking out a music store, a book store and finally a little candy shop. It was outside that store that Kevin had backed Nick up into the side of the building, took the cherry sucker out of his mouth and replaced the candy with his tongue. Their mouths had slid together so easily Nick was sure they’d done this a hundred times before. When he’d broken the kiss and stepped away, Kevin had popped the sucker into his own mouth, sucking it gently before removing it and rubbing the sticky sweet sugar over Nick’s swollen lips. Nick remembered opening his mouth just enough for the candy to be inserted back inside. With the sucker back in its original position, Kevin leaned in and licked at the corner of Nick’s mouth before kissing the spot gently and pulling away. It was the first of a thousand kisses, but the one Nick always remembered with the most fondness, for nothing else than he had no idea that it was all downhill after that. 

\--  
'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night  
We're dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light  
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah  
\--

Hours later after they returned, Nick tossed and turned in his bed. He kept replaying the events of the day and wondering what exactly was going on between him and their oldest bandmate. They hadn’t spoken much after the kiss, but Kevin had held his hand as they drove back to the cabin. Once they were back with the guys it was like the whole thing had never happened. Nick was going out of his mind trying to understand the feelings he was having and what exactly it was Kevin was up to. He finally decided he wouldn’t be falling asleep anytime soon and decided to go warm some milk for hot chocolate. Maybe if he had a hot drink it would help ease his mind and he could fall asleep. He had been alone in the kitchen, lost in his own thoughts as he stared into the saucepot waiting for the milk to boil when he felt an arm snake around his middle and pull him gently backwards. His back collided with a solid chest and he knew it was Kevin before he even turned around. He felt his heartbeat quicken and went back to the small shallow pants to keep his stomach under control. Kevin had leaned in and nuzzled his neck, placed kisses against the back of his head and then spun him around to face him. 

Nick had gazed up at him, his eyes wide with excitement and fear as Kevin leaned down and brushed their lips together. Sparks exploded all over Nick’s body as Kevin drew him in even closer, their bodies melding together in a way Nick never even thought was possible. Kevin took Nick’s hand in his and brought them both up in the air. Before Nick could question him, Kevin was spinning them around the kitchen, dancing to music only the two of them could hear. The milk burned, but so did Nick. Wrapped deep within the warmth of Kevin’s strong arms he felt his body ignite and he was falling, too fast and much further than he could ever imagine. 

They spent the remainder of the week much the same. Planning things to do with each other during the day, and sneaking downstairs to be together after everyone went to sleep. There were kisses, hugs and lots of promises, promises Nick thought would never be broken, could never be broken. But as Nick figured out much too late, he was the only one who knew what a promise really was. 

\--  
Maybe we got lost in translation  
Maybe I asked for too much  
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece  
'Til you tore it all up  
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well  
\--

Nick had tried really hard not to be the needy insecure child he felt like on an almost constant basis. He tried to be worthy of Kevin’s time and attention. He worked on his whining and his goofing off. Everything he did was done in a way that he thought would make Kevin proud of him. They spent all their time together when they could get away from the other three without drawing too much attention to themselves. Nick was on top of the world. He felt like nothing could touch them, touch him. As long as he had Kevin by his side, he was invincible. It was the best relationship Nick had ever been in. He was happy, loved and empowered. It was a masterpiece they worked so hard on.

And then it was over. 

It ended on a Tuesday. Nick would always remember the day his life ended and the rug was pulled out from under him. Kevin called a meeting, telling them he had something important to tell them and he wanted to tell them all together. He had avoided Nick all day and once they finally sat down together, all five of them, Nick watched as everything he worked so hard for, everything he loved was torn to pieces right in front of him. 

He sat there surrounded by the four men he loved more than anything in the world as his heart shattered into a million little pieces. He looked around the room wildly, wondering how they couldn’t hear the splintering. But none of them gave him a glance, congratulating Kevin on his engagement and slapping him on the back. He’d sat there biting the inside of his cheek to keep from crying out. As his mouth filled with blood he swallowed it and the unshed tears down as he stood numbly and hugged Kevin with the others, wondering how the fuck he was going to make his legs work to leave the room. The moment Kevin touched him he felt his body begin to convulse and he made an excuse and fled the room, barely making it back to his before he collapsed on the floor. 

Hours later Kevin had come to Nick’s room to collect his things and to tell Nick he was sorry, that this was just the way things had to be. He told Nick he loved him, but that they could never have been together long term. That they both needed to have wives, a family. Nick called him a coward as he bit back tears. He flinched as Kevin came closer and Nick had shrunk back against the wall, fearful of the touch that would completely unravel him. Nick had screamed at him to get out and never speak to him again. Words he never meant but couldn’t contain his emotions as he felt the full impact of Kevin’s decision hit him in waves. Kevin had barely closed the hotel room door before Nick had ran to the bathroom and emptied his stomach over and over again in the toilet. He laid there all night, too broken to get up off the cool hard floor.

\--  
And you call me up again just to break me like a promise  
So casually cruel in the name of being honest  
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here  
'Cause I remember it all, all, all  
Too well  
\--

Kevin had called two weeks ago. He wanted to let Nick know personally that the wedding invitations were going out in the mail and gave Nick the date. Told Nick he expected him to be there, that there would be camera crews and a magazine covering the whole affair. Nick had listened, never speaking a word as the tears slid down his pale hollow cheeks. He didn’t tell Kevin there was no need for an invitation for a wedding he had no intention of attending. He let Kevin say his piece and then hung up, well slammed the phone down really. 

If Nick had thought he had been doing okay, hanging on or putting any pieces of his broken life back together, it was perfectly clear that one phone call from the other man could completely undo any progress he ever made. It was then that he had come up with the idea of renting the cabin and running away. He had decisions to make and he couldn’t do them in Florida. He needed to go back to the mountains, the cold and the snow. He needed to return to the town where it all started so he could come up with a way to end it. 

He had crumpled to the floor and cried for all he was worth, ignoring the phone as it continued to ring in the background. He figured it was one of the guys calling about wedding plans or some other bullshit he had no desire of participating in. When the ringing stopped he quickly grabbed his phone and typed in the name of the town, it was forever burned into his memory. From there making his plans had been easy and less than a week later he was on his way. 

Now sitting in front of the fire in the cabin he allowed himself to feel everything. Every good memory and all the bad, and so much pain. The pain was overwhelming and Nick allowed it to influence his decisions. Reaching for the notebook he had brought he pulled it and a pen into his lap. Trying to stay warm in front of the fire while the tears continued to fall, Nick began to write. 

\--  
Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it  
I'd like to be my old self again  
But I'm still trying to find it  
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own  
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone  
But you keep my old scarf  
From that very first week  
'Cause it reminds you of innocence  
And it smells like me  
You can't get rid of it  
'Cause you remember it all too well, yeah  
\--

He had been stuck in this time warp for almost a year. They were on hiatus now, so seeing Kevin hadn’t been possible, which was exactly how he needed it. He had spent most of his time on his boat or with his siblings, while they helped, it didn’t fill the ache in his chest. He felt like he was paralyzed, stuck by the fear of having to see him again. Anytime he thought about having to work again he felt like he couldn’t breathe and the tears came so quick he couldn’t see in front of him. He knew what he had to do, the decision had been made for him, the die cast by Kevin’s selfish actions. He wasn’t sure he wanted to, wasn’t sure he could, but he also couldn’t go on. That’s what this whole week was about, letting it go, laying that part of his life to rest. And so he wrote on.

He would rediscover, redefine himself. It was truly the only way he would be able to move on. But to do so, he had to leave. There was no way to stay in a group, in a career that made him face Kevin every single day. He had tried looking at it from all angles. He knew how badly he would feel if they continued on without him and he also knew how guilty he would feel if they held him responsible for the end. None of the options were good, but he’d spent a year trying to hang on for all of them and he had nothing more to show for it but a broken heart. He needed to do something, reclaim his life after Kevin selfishly destroyed it. Maybe in time they would understand, maybe not, but at least Nick would be out of the living hell he was in. He was twenty years old, had more money than he knew what to do with and a face that could help him secure other work. He wanted to try working solo, maybe go back to school, just something for him without the constant fear of being thrusted back together with the man who broke him. He couldn’t attend the wedding, he couldn’t watch them together. He wanted nothing to do with him or her and the sooner he broke the news the better. 

He knew they wouldn’t understand, he knew they would call him names. They would think he was selfish, childish and other things he was sure of it. But none of that mattered anymore. He was completely ready to walk away from the four men who had made him, molded and shaped him into the person he was today. He was stronger because of them and broken because of one of them. If there was any hope of saving himself from his depression and heartache, he had to go now. 

\--  
'Cause there we are again when I loved you so  
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known  
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well  
Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all  
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all  
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well  
\--

He finished writing and tossed the notebook on the floor. He stretched, placing his hand behind him on the floor as he stretched the muscles in his arm and back. He took a deep breath, images and spoken words swirling around in his mind. Instead of blocking them out he allowed them all to hit him full force, reliving every moment, touch and caress. He had loved Kevin so much, so foolishly believing they were forever. Nick had meant forever when he spoke the word, he still did. But that choice was taken from him and so he had to make new ones. He believed their relationship was more real than any relationship Kevin had ever had. 

Nick still didn’t believe Kevin loved Kristin, but he had convinced himself he did and how could Nick argue with that. What they had was special, rare and exquisite and Kevin threw it all away because he was scared of being brave, of facing the world together. Nick had to laugh at the irony. Kevin had left him, decided to get married because he believed that their relationship would destroy the group and he wouldn’t do anything that had the potential to destroy the Backstreet Boys. He just hadn’t given Nick’s feelings enough consideration to realize that Nick loved him more than their careers, their fans and families. For Nick, Kevin was the only thing that mattered. Kevin making the decision for both of them to end this, end them, to save the group, effectively destroyed it quicker than anything else could have. Nick would laugh, but he couldn’t summon the strength. 

He allowed his arms to leave the floor and he leaned back against the carpet again. Staring up at the ceiling he noted the tears had stopped. Making a decision had been hard, but Nick was more convinced now more than ever that he had made the right one. Seeing Kevin, even in passing would destroy him and he just couldn’t bring himself to go through that. He rolled onto his stomach and got to his feet. He needed to leave the cabin, just for a bit. He put on his hat and coat and grabbed the notebook, ripping one of the pages from it’s binding. He grabbed a rose from the arrangement on the table as he made his way outside. 

He was struck by the cold the moment he stepped out on the porch, but instead of being assaulted by it, he found it comforting. He left the porch and trudged around to the back of the house and down the little path he’d found the first night. The path led back to the woods and twisted and turned the further it went. Nick kept going through the snow and ice until he got to the spot he’d selected. There was a little bench by an oak tree that overlooked a pond. He knew Kevin would have found the spot beautiful, inspiring. 

He had this all planned, he’d come here to say goodbye. Goodbye to his former life, his career, his brothers, but mostly to Kevin. When he was finished here he would go back to the cabin and gather his things. Dropping the letters he’d written into envelopes in the mail, effectively severing his ties with the other men. He had a place waiting for him in Seattle. It wasn’t much but somewhere they wouldn’t think to look for him. He had a new cell phone and he would leave the old one here. He’d already crushed it into a million pieces. He didn’t let the symbolism slip past him. His lawyer knew where and how to reach him when this effectively blew up in his face, but he had done his research, he knew what he’d have to pay if they pressed the issue, but he was hoping, given the circumstances, that they would let him fade into oblivion. 

He knelt down beside the tree, placing the rose against the gnarled bark. He traced the rough exterior with his fingertips and shuddered as the cold snow melted against his cold hands. He drew out the piece of paper from his jacket pocket. The notebook had been Kevin’s. One he’d left at Nick’s and had long been forgotten. He used to write Nick notes in it and leave it lying around for Nick to find. Nick held the last one in his hand, all the others had long since been destroyed. He had held onto this one as long as he could. Now it was time to leave it here. It was a burial of sorts. Nick was burying the life he’d had with the man he’d loved so completely and walking away free from everything. He had the flowers and now the eulogy. He tore the notebook paper into long strips and then tore those in half. He did this a few more times until all that was left of Kevin’s broken promises was confetti. He closed his eyes, allowing Kevin’s face to flash in his mind. Nick felt all the love and hate he felt for the other man hit him all at once and he allowed one last tear to fall before he took a deep breath and blew the memories away.


End file.
